Me

I’m changing. I can feel my skin getting tight and ready to shed like a snake. My amazing girlfriend tells me that I look like myself, not like the sad shell of a person that she first met. I look like the person she knew was inside.

My growth is not always easy..on me or those around me. My happiness veiled in a thin layer of residual sadness that I have to wake up every morning and decide to break through. It’s hard to find yourself when someone almost runs off with ALL your stuff. When I wasn’t paying attention…I almost lost all of me.

Ever morning now I wake up and realize that I’m me, again. That I am not pretending to be someone else to keep down confusion. Reminding myself that I don’t have to be chaos on the inside and cool on the outside… I can just be me.

I can wear a smile. I can be friends with who I want to. I can go and do what I like. I can identify how I want. I can be genderqueer and sometimes wear dresses…and sometimes line my lids in dark colors and glitter. I can love, and I can admit that my relationship isn’t perfect but we are in love and constantly working on it..and on ourselves. I can scream at the top of my lungs that I am happy and mean it..or that I am sad and not fear that I will be told that my sadness is inconvenient.

I am me. I am a body full of emotions and thoughts and opinions and love. I am a heart full of memories and questions and faith in myself.

I believe in me. In the love I possess and the greatness I can achieve.

I.

Love.

Me.

Again.

Advertisements

Fly me to the moon

Well.. not me. I don’t want to go to the moon. I am, however, very interested in when the moon or mars or some kind of giant space station will be ready for crazy ass conservatives to flee..leaving behind all that is right and good in the world. 

I love diversity. I love that people come in different colors and shapes and sizes. I love that we all have different languages, different levels of education, different talents and tastes… but I can not stand batshit crazy conservative ass holes. 

There I said it. 

I just can’t get down. It’s fine if you believe in something completely different from me..just don’t be completely ignorant or a raving lunatic that recites back everything you hear on Faux News or the 700 Club or your racist down the street neighbor. 

Find some real values and act according to them. (Not “Christian Values”..that’s not a thing. Are there like little packaged bundles of values out there? Is it like a zip file of values? Do they come cheaper if you buy your values in bulk?)

Don’t just find someone you think is like you and follow their word blindly into the abyss. Also, don’t make up facts…don’t deduce things…don’t decide you know the facts because you said them so much you believe them. And if your fake facts get challenged.. whatever you do..don’t argue them to the death because you are too brainwashed and stupid to realize you are losing!! 

UGH…

Note to self: Don’t read rightwing anti Obamacare craziness after midnight. That shit makes me crazy!! 

I’m emotional and I can’t let go

I’m realizing that the hardest things to change about myself are the things I let happen to me while I wasn’t paying attention..

I’ve been working hard for months to change my diet and exercise. For two months straight and even while on vacation I was working out 5 days a week and eating progressively better. I’d lost 10.5 inches all over, I was happier, healthier, my problem skin and chronic aches and pains had begin to disappear.

Then I kinda hit a wall. I realized that while I had successfully convinced myself that working out was my stress relief and  took me away from whatever I was worrying about.. It in fact was not. After those two months I realized that not drinking coffee was too hard.. I wasn’t sleeping well, staying up late multiple nights in a row every week was catching up with me. Not drinking was ok until I had to deal with several social situations where EVERYONE was drinking and the drinks were soooo good. Not eating bread, sugar, fried foods was awesome until I was tired and sad or stressed and I just needed 1 good thing in my life and a shake from Fatburger or chili cheese fries from Tommy’s was perfect.

For me food is always a way to have something good in life no matter what is going wrong.. Good food won’t fail me… Not the way people or the government or society or I fail me.. Bacon donuts from The Nickel will always have my back.

But now.. My body doesn’t feel so good when I eat these things. What gives me momentary highs.. Or what gives me a string of highs that I build with every meal now leads to a face full of acne, and bloating and dry skin and headaches and a bunch of other blahness I’m gonna keep to myself.

Now, I can’t go back to living in pain with an ever growing waistline… but I don’t know how to cope with life without eating it all away. (not over eating..I don’t stuff myself…I just tend to find all of the most delicious high calorie foods there are.)

Emotional eating is HARD y’all.  So if you see me looking grumpy or sad..just know it’s because I’m fighting the urge to eat a cupcake. Or have a venti latte. Or pasta in a rich cream sauce and a glass of wine..or a bottle of wine. Grr.

Don’t call it a comeback

What happened to writing everyday for 31 days Jess?

Well world, apparently it takes me longer to collect my thoughts than I thought. I’ve actually been writing most days in Evernote while I ride the train to and from work. I have some great starts in there, I promise. But the thing is, I have so much on my mind that it kinda gets overwhelming. I’ve spent so much time trying to think about what I want to write on what day…

Let’s just call it a false start. 

I’m still learning to just let the writing process and speaking my honest truth just happen without over thinking it. I’m a work in progress. 

But there is much more in the works..so many drafts to make realities this week. 

I’m coming for you 31 days of posts..It’s happening. 

 

Love is simple

I was just reading an article that was sent to me by Pia about polyamory  and I just felt like declaring to the world that….

I am here for polyamory!!

I am HERE for all of my beautiful friends and family that have chosen to open their hearts and raise families and build lives with more than one partner.

I am also in a serious and beautiful loving relationship with ONE woman and one woman only. And I love it that way.

Say what?

I’ve been asked before how someone who is essentially a serial monogamous can be a firm believer in polyamory. Shouldn’t I be the fiercest advocate for monogamy? Shouldn’t I lead the chorus for “That will never work!” and “I couldn’t do that!”? Instead I’m preaching the word of “Go get you as much love as you need!!”

Well I’m here to tell you.. MONOGAMY is fucking HARD! One person can’t be EVERYTHING you need all the time. You have to figure out how to be everything you can be for them and then the two of you have to figure out how you fill in the gaps for yourself. I choose not to find the other things I need, like a listening ear or someone to talk sense into me or people who let me be crazy and say crazy shit or help me run away from reality, in lovers..I just find them in friends 🙂 (which is why friends are so important to me)

I date one person at a time and have relationships with one person at a time because I know myself very very well. I just know MY limitations. A lot of the strictly monogamous people I know say they can’t get down or that being poly will never work because they are possessive. But for me it really doesn’t have anything to do with being possessive…I just like to be the center of attention.

I’ll admit I’m selfish. I’ve never been in a situation where the person I was talking to was talking to others that I didn’t feel like I was being neglected. I’m needy. I cause drama when I am not tended to, when nobody is there to hold me or feed me or have sex with me. I’m admittedly high maintenance in the area of attention. And when I want it.. I want it. So the idea of having to schedule time with people and have times where I can’t have someone’s attention makes me feel loopy as hell. You mean I can’t call partner A to come spend the night with me because they are spending time with partner B…and partner C is busy/spending time with someone else/getting on my nerves? So nobody is tending to me? OH NO!!

And at the same time..I like my space. I can want to change plans and be by myself at a moments notice. That could probably throw a wrench in a well orchestrated situation, huh?

I also have the opposite issue in that I am selfless too. I tend to give an incredible amount of attention and time and spend $$$ on the people I love. (I’ve tried to show my love in different ways and it’s just not me..if I’m not giving you those three things..I don’t really love you..it’s one of the truest indicators for me)  I could have 3 people that I need to send surprise flowers to, 3 people to take out on dates and 3 people to txt during the day? That sounds like a lot of work yo! I have a job and bills.

I give my poly family SO much love and props. I admire all of your abilities to be mature, to work out conflicts, to start from a place of love and to overcome all the naysayers. And double props to all of you who are truly challenging heteronormative behavior and who have partners across the spectrum of queer!

Searching

I need to whine a little. It’s my blog..so I’m gonna give myself that space. K?

Sometimes I feel new to LA, like I haven’t lived here almost 3 years. While I’ve mastered navigating the roads and public transportation in this city I’m still clueless on what friendships are suppose to look like here. 

Here I don’t have the safety of friendships built on 20+ years of living in the same neighborhoods and sharing the same experiences. In July I went home for a wedding and it really hit me that most of the people I grew up with still hang out with the same people, still see them regularly, play with each others kids and party together. 

Making new friends for me is always hard because my friendship means great trust and a significant time commitment. I’m just always trying to be THAT friend you can’t live without. When you compound that with the chronic flaking of people even with the best intentions, the first year I spent here where I wasn’t allowed to organically make friends with anyone who wasn’t already vetted by my ex, the horrible job that left me depressed and with little time, and then the whole period of time where I was in the beginning stages of my current relationship and I just never saw anyone because I was too busy being in love. Here I am.  

I haven’t figured out how to devote time to the seedlings of friendships I have planted in LA and I’ve also not neglect all my long distance friendships. Where do I  find the time while simultaneously I work my ass off, work really hard to have a healthy relationship and find something in the world that’s for me? How do I do it all? 

There are people in LA who I am grateful for, and who I love very much…don’t get me wrong. I am not without a few people I can call if I get in a jam.  But I don’t get the type of friendship I really miss, Nobody here can tell when I’m unhappy without me having to say anything..I don’t get random txt messages telling me I am missed, nobody will let me put my feet on their couch and drink cheap wine and eat cheap frozen pizza when I need to or go to insanely loud clubs to drink too much and call me best friend. 

It’s really my fault. So many people that fill me up are just one phone call away that I don’t make. Just a skype date away that we never have. Just a txt I never return. 

It seems so easy to just try…and yet I spend so much time just being sad about it. 

Disconnection

Yesterday my phone died at about 11AM and there was nothing I could do about it.

Great. How would I survive with no connection to the outside world?

I made it through a meeting, lunch and a train ride with out it. I got no text messages. I got no emails. I got no phone calls, no Instagram notifications, no likes on facebook, no music, no candy crush, no lurking on twitter.

I didn’t even know what time it was.

But something important happened… I was present in the moment. I was having conversations without fidgeting..looking my friend in the eye the entire time. I didn’t take a picture of my food before I ate it, didn’t tell the world about where we were, didn’t multitask through our conversation.

Sometimes being connected to everyone in every way feels like you are being present..like you get extra points for knowing what is happening with everyone all the time. But there are no extra points because nobody is taking score and if they were we would just be losing. It made me wonder how much I miss regularly. How much of conversations I don’t hear, how many smiles I don’t take notice of ever day.

Yesterday I learned that I can survive a few hours without knowing every thing in the whole world. I’m seriously contemplating going on a phone detox…a complete break from the unnecessary just to see what I am missing.

Could I survive that?